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IThinkThisIsIt
Article posted June 8, 2012 at 04:47 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 385
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So, This very well might be my last blog entry. I'm a little sad because of that. I've honestly had a lot of fun writing this, even though like no one saw it. And even if they did, I doubted it made much of a difference. But to me it made a difference. So, yeah.
I guess this is good bye.
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Article posted June 8, 2012 at 04:47 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 385
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ClickThisPLEASE
Article posted May 23, 2012 at 12:49 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 82
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It's a new start.
Summer is right around the corner, and with it comes new oppurtuinities. With the sun comes light, and I think it's time to spend some time in the light.
I've been someones punching bag for many a month, and frankly-it's time that I start living for me. Dont you think? No more being afraid that I'll have to give up something/someone I love, or that I'll be judged because of how I feel. No more bickering that solves nothing, and no more pain. Or at least, less pain.
I'm 16, and I have people all around the country (and other countries) that love me to bits, and I love them too. <3
I have a loving boyfriend, funny friends, amazing "family" and so much more going for me. It's been hard to see that though, with someone else's hand blocking my view so that I couldn't grow, and be greater. With someone throwing their weight on my back in an effort to hold me down.
But now, I'm free. I'm learning that you can always love someone, but sometimes it's showing strength by letting go. And that beauty is more inside than out. That just because someone says "I love you, best friend." doesn't mean that they mean it. And that good memories can be just as strong as sad/bad ones.
It's only been a day, and I'm stronger than I have been since May of last year.. Because I kept letting other people throw me around, I kept thinking that that was my job, to take all that abuse. But it's not. My job is to be happy-and by being happy, maybe I'll even light someone else's day.
It's not about those who hurt me, or the ones who got up and walked away, or even the ones who forgot. It's about the ones who are still here, smiling and laughing and loving me just as much as I love them. It's about learning to be happy, no matter what people do.
It's not my fault, if someone shuts me out. Its not my fault if someone doesnt let me help. It's not in my power. And I cant keep trying.
I may not be needed as much as I was before, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means that I've done my job right. That my "Family" is stronger now. That they can take care of themselves and dont have as much that they need me for. Maybe thats a good thing and not a bad thing. It throws me off somedays, yeah. But everyone has those days. I'll be there when they need me, and thats all that I can do.
Because now it's time to make me happy, just like jordan always said. Even if it means letting go of the only thing that I thought was stable. (Bye Mickey.)
I may fall, but thats all in the proccess of learning to walk, and then run, right? What's life without a few scars to tell about? A few tears to clean out the heart, and a few laughs to make it all worthwhile.
This is it. This is the new me.
Or maybe, it's just another part of me. Maybe it's my turn to flip around and be a new person. I dont know, but I'm not gonna waste it. I'm gonna do everything I can to be a stronger, and better person. Maybe even someone I can be proud of. Someone worth loving, someone worth needing.
I am new.
I am healing.
I am learning.
I am Shannon Leigh.
And to he** with anyone who tells me that I cant do it. Because you can watch me climb those mountians and when I get there you can eat your words.
I'll see the "beauty" in me that everyone insists is there. I'll learn to love myself, without all that weight on me. I'll learn to believe in my own dreams, and even support others in theirs.
I know that we'll all get there. I know it.
Dedicated to My family. I'm trying. I love you. And I'm learning to love me.
<3 Have faith in me.
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Article posted May 23, 2012 at 12:49 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 82
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AnotherBirthdayThing
Article posted May 21, 2012 at 12:53 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 95
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Every Year on my birthday, I never feel any different. I always feel like another year is gone and I'm still stuck in the same little spot that I was last year. Like my new year, is just laid ontop of the old ones until I'm a stack of old dusty years. Kinda like a stack of books that no one bothers to read anymore.
This year I feel like the weight is getting heavier. The 15'th year was really heavy. Really thick with all the things that happened, good and bad alike. I finally feel slightly different. But maybe not in a good way, more like a heavy way, an older, sadder, colder, more broken way. Like the covers of all those books are cracking and drying out, and the sounds of crumpling memories; like burning paper.
I feel.. heavy. Like I cant move to jump up again, and start over. To grab a new blank book off the table, and start writing down my new year. Because the last one is so heavy that I'm still trying to get used to the weight on my shoulders. Is that normal? I dont feel like it's normal.
There's so many things that happened in year 15, that I cant get over the fact that I'm in year 16. I want to change 15, make it different. Make it.. better. Have a happier ending. Have a happier middle too.
I'd like to take out some of my mistakes, and remove some people from the story line. I dont want that Old oak tree in that clearing. I dont want that bright flashing city to fade into the background. I dont want Austrlia to be so far away, and California to be filled with Heartache. I'd like to claim that I've loved london, and that It's loved me too.
There should be more smiles and less tears. 15 didnt happen the way I wanted it too. And If I could I'd go back with a giant eraser and remove the words I said, and take away the masks that people wore. I'd change the way it all happened and make sure that I'd end up where I should. Instead of here. In this same dusty corner of the world-just a stack of heavy years.
I'd bring back that big City, and I'd run away from that big old oak tree. I'd say all the right things to Australia and Enjoy poptarts while I still had them. I'd laugh and sing and be happy a lot more.
Then maybe 15 wouldn't be so heavy and 16 would seem a lot more real.
So I'm still in my dusty corner, dragging myself out of the dark, aching to put all these heavy years on the shelves so that I dont have to carry them around. I'm working on getting to the table to grab my 16'th book. I'll make it.
I'll write this year the way it's supposed to be. I'll bring back that City, and I'll laugh and smile and be happy. I'll sing with South Carolina, and Indiana. I'll patch up my own broken bindings and learn to stop leafing through the pages when I know I cant change what's been done. But I'll also make sure I dont make as many mistakes. That way I wont regret it and have to look back anymore.
Maybe 16 will even be the best book I've ever written.
This blog is dedicated to my family <3 I love you. I promise This book will be happier than the last.. I'm making sure of it. So have faith in me? I'm trying to make you proud. I really am. I'm covered in dust, and tears, and ink from trying to change, but I'll be brand shiny new for you. No more sad broken books and papercuts from going back when I cant change things. There wont be anymore broken bindings from re-reading things that should be forgotten.
I'm getting out of this dusty corner to make you proud. Putting all my years on the shelves and sitting down to write the greatest, happiest, most loving year that we'll ever live. No more broken promises and broken hearts. This summer will be different. This year will be better.
Love, Nannon, Pomegranate, Shanwich, Nanewn, Banannon, Shannanom, Gingie, Velma, and Princess of the Peaches. But mostly; Love Shannon Leigh.
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Article posted May 21, 2012 at 12:53 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 95
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NotSoHappyBirthdayToMe
Article posted May 21, 2012 at 12:33 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 74
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Today is my 16'th birthday.
Now, in all of those 16 years-I have not once had a "Happy Birthday". And this year has been no exception to that rule.
I'm not complaining, I got the New Ipod I asked for, and a beautiful new journal. A gorgous Necklace from my brothers girlfriend, lots of nice gifts. But I also got the news that My boyfriend cheated on me. Again. I got my dad dropping by-not even bothering to climb out of the car to wish me happy birthday. I got my "best friend" thinking that I'd talked bad about her-when I really didn't but she believes someone else over the girl she just swore was her "Best Friend".
It hurts that she doesn't trust me. I thought she knew me better than to think that I'd sit around and talk bad about her-with no cause. I wouldn't do that. To anyone.
The fact is that if she can't trust me.. then maybe we were never really friends at all.
I'm not going to sit around and cry though. Because I have better things to do, I have more important things to put my heart into. Like setting things right with Mickey. Making up with my Mom. Figuring out what I want. There's a big world I'm about to be thrown into.. and I'd better be ready for it, or else I'm gonna fall flat on my face.
So, Happy Birthday to Me. My gifts are, a Cheating Boyfriend. A distrustful "Best Friend". A crappy "Happy Birthday" from my father, who cares more about the next bottle coming his way then the fact that his 8 year old wont have a place to live soon. And an Ex who MIGHT hate me.
Seems like I've got the whole world at my fingers doesn't it?
Oh and something else, Maybe people aren't just.. One person. You know how people say "I feel like I don't know you anymore"? Maybe it's that way for a reason. Maybe we all have lots of different sides that we dont even understand. Like a happy side, and a sad side, and a mean side, tons of them constantly changing so it's more like a dozen people in one, rather than one person as a whole. It would make more sense, because at least that way.. It would make sense why we feel like we're in many peices when we're hurt. And how we say that someones "Not who they used to be." Maybe, they're still there.. Just on a different side at the moment, and you have to wait for them to flip around agian.
"Seasons Change. And So Do We."
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Article posted May 21, 2012 at 12:33 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 74
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CLICKTHISAMAZINGLINKRIGHTHERE
Article posted May 17, 2012 at 11:26 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 67
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Ok, so this blog-it so goes out to bailey<3 thank you for putting this link on instagram. Really. It means the world to me.
My friends are amazing. Really, they are. They pay attention to my dreams and care about what I feel. No one else, not even my family really does. Well not my "real" family.
Thank you bailey. I can't say how thankful I am. I was having a pretty horrible afternoon until you were all bailey and amazing and stuff <3
So last night, was my choir concert. And despite the room being INCREDIBLY F***ING HOT, it was pretty awesome. For once, the alto section actually sang. C: And then afterwards I got to watch one of my friends slide down the hill because we were skipping in the wet grass ^-^
I guess, that for once I felt kinda ok. It's been a while since that happened.
So my birthday is on Monday. I really DON'T wanna turn 16. Why? Mostly because that means that it's been a whole year knowing Mickey and I already lost him. Yaaay.. (my iPod just tried to change "yaaay" into "gassy" I lold :3)
Anyway! I guess that's all for now. :3
BAIBAI
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Article posted May 17, 2012 at 11:26 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 67
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ClickOnThisPlease
Article posted May 3, 2012 at 12:52 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 88
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I dont really count my birth family as my Family. They dont really matter all that much, after Papa died, I kinda lost intrest in them. The others dont care for me much, and the feeling isn't one sided. So when I was 14 I started creating my own family.
I wont say that I planned on it, that I decided one day to make my own family-and become increasingly dependent on them, because i didn't. It just kind of happened.
The people I met though.. They're everything to me. They keep me up when I feel so weak. They give me reason to laugh when I didnt even want to smile. They are possibly the craziest people I know. But they're amazing.
We fight, we cry, we act stupid, we make fun of each other, and insult everyone around us. (*cough, cough* Noah's Fat Cow *cough, cough*)We defend each other to the death, and that's what makes us family. I know our parents, maybe even our friends think it's stupid-But even though we're miles apart-we're close at heart.
When one of us goes away for vacation, or loses wifi-it's just painful. Plump was gone for like a week, it felt like forever since I'd last seen her. I nearly jumped through my IPod when she came back. It's the same when Raven is gone, and I'm sure when Derek comes back He'll be hugged to death and his lopsided chin will be made fun of with a renewed vigor.
Sometimes I think we should have our own TV show with all the crazy crap we say e.e..
There's never a time when I dont want to be with them. Where as with my "Real Family" I'm trying my hardest to stay away, at all costs.
OurHomeSweetHome, though it's just a texting family.. It's more important than anything in my life. I love them more than I thought would be possible. Every last one of them-though they piss me off, cause drama, and worry me to no end, they're the ones who are there for me when the world is crashing down.
Ask me to name my sisters. I'll say Aly, Bailey, Ash, Cassie, Anna, Plump.
Ask me to name my brothers. I'll say Noah, Greg, Jesse.
Ask me who I'm always thinking about, Every single one of them.
Ask me where I spend all my time. I'll say TextPlus.
Ask me why. Because I love them more than myself.
That's something I'll never find anywhere else.
These people.. People I've never known before a year ago. People I might never get to meet in person, people I talk to on the phone, over facetime, skype, and any way possible.. They are my world.
Do you have people like that? Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I know that to someone else this might sound crazy, but everyone I find and I add to this family, becomes a part of me. I could never leave them behind. And when I'm 18, I'm finding them all. I'm bringing them all together, and then I will finally be happy.
From being around them I've learned that HappyEverAfter isn't all about the prince. It's about the friends and family who are there when the Prince is a DumbAs* and falls off his horse.
They are the ones who carry you around on your shoulders, jump on you and steal your cuddles, make you laugh till you cry, mock your cooking skills (or lack thereof..)Who give you adivice, who have weird parties with you, and who make se*ual jokes that make you want to kill them.
Without them.. I wouldn't be me. And I hope that I've made such an impact on them as well.
I love you guys. <3
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Article posted May 3, 2012 at 12:52 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 88
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ClickMeh
Article posted May 1, 2012 at 12:40 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 56
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Have you ever had a moment you knew you'd never forget? A certian day, that will always mean something to you?
Maybe the day you met someone, or what would've been "your date" with someone. Maybe even someone's birthday.
Those days when suddenly you just look at the calendar and see the date, and you remember something that makes you smile, or makes you cry.
It's when you realize that so much time has passed, and you start to wonder where it went, how you got to where you are. Like maybe your old best friends birthday sneaks up on you. Just a normal day, but you werent thinking about it when you got up that morning. It makes you think for a second, or maybe you'll barley notice it. But either way, it still exists.
It's happened to me. I just look over and realize it had been 7 months since my old friend over dosed, and almost died. I dont even talk to him anymore. It's odd to think about.
Or the other day, it was the 27th, it wouldve been 9 months with my ex boyfriend. Weird right?
I wasnt even really aware of the time passing. It's bizzare. This march was one year of knowing My friends Noah, and Raven. I couldnt even believe it.
I could remember being 14, just meeting them and being such a little kid, it shocked me how much we'd all changed since then.
I guess what I'm saying in all this, is that we take the time for granted. And only when it's so far gone do we even realize we let it slip through our fingers. We're kids one second, and the next we're grown up, We're dating and falling in love and working and it's all so crazy, that it's happend without us even realizing.
And those days I was talking about earlier mark the passing time.
One month, two, four, eight, ten, suddenly a year is gone. We didnt even see it vanish.
This year, I remember sitting in my living room waiting for the ball to drop, thinking "It's a new start. I'm not going to make the same mistakes. I'm not going to hurt anymore. I'm going to forget." Well, I didnt forget. The passing of a year, it's not the end of pain, or the mental wipe I hoped for. It just marks another second you've made it through.
I've gained new pain in 2012. Lots of it. The pain from 2011, it's not gone. But I'm healing.
I guess those days are the ripping off of the bandages. Even the worst wounds need air to heal.
<3
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Article posted May 1, 2012 at 12:40 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 56
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AndSoOnASeriousNote
Article posted April 27, 2012 at 12:28 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 82
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People kinda suck.
Just saying.
To all the teenagers out there, we've been warned about people lying through the internet all of our lives, right? And almost all of us think 'But that could never happen to me.' We've heard it so many times and we think that we're responsible enough.
But it can happen to anyone. It happened to me.
I trusted this person with my whole heart. I told them everything, cried to them, leaned on them, and had feelings for them. But behind the face of a 17 year old boy, was a 15 year old girl.
She wasnt dangerous, but she could have been, and looking back on it I'm really lucky. She could've been anyone, anywhere. And that scares me now that I think back on it.
I could've gotten stalked, or something of the like. I guess what I'm saying is that you may think you're careful enough, but you just never know.
So, listen to your parents about this. Sometimes they actually know what they're talking about. Dont think it could never happen to you, because it could. And you could really get hurt. I was lucky but others havent been so lucky.
And you might not be as lucky either. I'd hate to hear about it.
The internet, and social sites are fun, but they can be dangerous. So dont trust people with your phone numbers, last name, or adress, it's just too risky unless you know that they're who they say they are.
I have many friends over the internet. I love my friends, and I've FaceTimed, or Skyped with most of them. So I know who I can trust and who I cant. I guess what I'm saying is that there isnt a reason to completley block yourself from the internet world, just because there are risks. You just have to be careful.
Now that I've made my point, I should go. BaibaiLoves<3
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Article posted April 27, 2012 at 12:28 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 82
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CLICK THIS PLEASE :D
Article posted April 25, 2012 at 12:08 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 95
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Ok first, I have a really important thing to talk about.
A few of my friends, are suffering from Eating Disorers. It's tough, and all of us are helping them, pushing them to keep up with medications and going for help. My friend suffers from Anorexia, and two of my other friends suffer from Bulimia. They dont want to get help, because they feel, either that people are judging them-or that they just hate hospitals. Because no one wants to spend time with a tube down their throat.
It's not been easy talking my friends into eating, or going for help. But I didnt give up, and now they're doing better. c:
But now, two of my friends, want to lose weight. And both of them have started to starve themselves.
Though the rest of us tell them agian and again that it's not the way to go they dont seem to be listening.. I dont know how to help them. I found pictures of anorexic girls, youtube videos about girls who lost their lives because of Anorexia. And it seems to have discouraged one of them. But the other holds strong.
I'm afraid that when she realizes what she's doing to herself, it will already be too late. But she firmly believes that she isnt good enough until she is model skinny.
The truth about Anorexia, my friend told me-is that it becomes impossible to stop after a while. You begin to waste away because you just.. Cant eat. It makes you sick to think about. Or if you eat, you get sick. And that scares me.
I keep telling her that she IS good enough, that she IS beautiful.. But she wont see it. Everyone tries to make her eat, I even watch at lunch to make sure she at least gets something in her stomach. But once she goes home.. How am I supposed to keep watch on her? I cant. And I know her mom suspects something. But she insists that she doesnt have a problem.
"She thinks I have eating problems." "You do." "No I dont!" "Not eating is a problem!"
Fighting with her does nothing, in fact it only makes her more stubborn. Day after day her clothes get looser.. And I lose sleep. She's told me that she's fallen down.. That she is so achingly hungry. But she insists that she is fine. That she knows what she's doing.. I dont want her to end up where my other friend did. In a hospital with a tube down her throat. Her boyfriend tells her over and over to eat. That she is beautiful. I send her pictures, quotes: saying that she is amazing.
"The number on this scale cannot tell you: What a great person you are.
How much your friends and family love you.
That you are kind, smart, funny & amazing in ways that numbers cannot define.
That you have the power to chase happiness.
Your own self worth."
I look for more and more things to make her see.. But find nothing that helps. I have considered going to my school counselers, but the fact is that she wont listen to anyone. I dread the words at lunch, "I'm not eating today."
We all worry about her. We love her but she doesnt love herself. And nothing will change that. Over and over we say the words, "We love you as you are." "You're perfect how you are, and will be no matter what the scale says." "We only want whats best for you." "This isnt the way to go." "Look for better ways." "Cant you see how beautiful you are?"
But she still wont listen.. I worry more and more each day.
I only hope that we can make her see.. Before its too late.
<3
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Article posted April 25, 2012 at 12:08 PM GMT0 •
comment • Reads 95
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