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E l Squapo
This was just an old project i found on my computer, so if you want to, check it out, it's kind of funny
Before I unveil to you, who exactly the most fantastic, ever so brave protagonist of our story is, I shall first reveal to you the setting!
Our story begins on a quaint little farm in Western Ontario. But this was not just any farm in Western Ontario. Oh no! Not by far. This farm grew the most odd and out-of- date fruits and vegetables from all over the world. These included: Guava, kiwis, turnips, fiddleheads, pomegranates and last but not least kumquats. Yes Kumquats! And that is where our story really begins. It begins at the plethora of cumquat bushes on the outskirts of the farm, which, may I add, caught the first rays of morning sunlight.
And it was in this fresh morning sunlight, that a kumquat by the name of El Squapo was born.
So, El Squapo grew and grew. But as nature intended, he was not always the sweet-tasting perfectly round fruit that he was always. At first all El Squalor was a lump-like, tart-tasting piece of fruit. Though this was true, every morning as he awoke to the fresh sunlight, he grew stronger keener and better tasting until he was soon renowned as one of the best tasting fruits on the whole farm.
Unfortunately, as El Squapo grew, so did his uncanny fear of the dreaded supermarkets that his fellow cumquats had told him about. As described by his fellow peers, the supermarket was a cold, eye-diverting place filled with hungry shoppers, looking to purchase you and take you back to their homes and eat you alive! He had also heard that sometimes the humans would go to great lengths and even invite other humans over, just to feast upon their juicy flesh. There were also such things as he had heard about from the kiwi across the lane, as plastic bags that could smother the life right out of you!
Now although El Squapo was usually referred to as an optimist, it was on this particular day that he was feeling ever so depressed. He was more depressed than he had ever felt in his entire life. No one was ever really quite sure why he had felt this way. Perhaps it was his fellow cumquat and best friend, Teacup’s total disregard for him that fine day that depressed him. Or maybe it was the fog that crept over cookie clough, up on Mocha -Chino Mountain. Or perhaps it was the way Farmer Forester had walked by his bush that morning with his head directed toward the ground. Or perhaps it was the faint tingling in El Squalor’s stem that suggested his immenent doom.
Immenent doom. What a heavy sounding term, a term which means that something bad is close at hand, and lucky for our courageous cumquat, he also knew what this term meant. So he took action right away!.
This action as you well know, consisted merely of sitting around on his bush all day and do nothing but sulk. With the tingling feeling in his stem growing stronger, and the sense of danger ever mounting.
As it so happens, it was on the fourth day of this strange feeling that the event that was to set all of the following events into action occurred. Yes, it is really hard for me to say it, but hear I go: it rained! I know I know! Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing for plants? Well not this time. When it rained that day, it wasn’t just a drizzle, it was an all out gale.
Sheets of rain came pounding down upon the farmyard. For now though, let’s just stick to El Squapo’s story and the fact that such a prolific amount of rain meant that all of the fruit must be picked immediately before they drown and this is exactly what Farmer Forester did.
As El Squapo watched in dismay as the great looming figure of Farmer Forester started to materialize out of the fog in front of him.
Lightning flashed and thunder roared in whatever El Squapo had for ears. Soon, every breath he took was contaminated with water until it was a struggle to get a breath. The landscape before El Squapo soon started to blur and spin around him as if he was slowly being sucked into a great maelstrom. He felt a hand grasp him and then he felt himself falling farther and farther into a vast nothingness.
Then, there was only darkness….
When El Squapo awoke, he found that he was in some sort of large metal container. He also found that he was with fellow kumquats some of whom he recognized and some whom he did not. Although he noticed much, such as the other types of fruit, like mangos and blueberries, he failed to notice that they were not stationary. They were in fact, moving! However, he later found this out from a blueberry by the name of Rodrigo. Since he knew very few people in the crates around him, he merely chatted with Rodrigo who seemed to be quite educated in the ways of the world. And as it so happened, Rodrigo also knew where they were and where they were going. El Squapo was fascinated by the fact that they were on something that the humans called a truck and the reason why they used them so much was because they were slowly losing their ability to walk.
Every day, Rodrigo and El Squapo would talk about the outside world and its many wonders. At one point, the subject of their origin came up and El Squapo learned that Rodrigo was from Saskatchewan but was the crop of a Mexican immigrant farmer named El Paso.
One day when El Squapo woke up, he noticed that they were not moving and that the big vat of blueberries containing Rodrigo was not next to him. In fact, he wasn’t in the truck at all! El Squapo seemed to be in a large speacious building with a roof made of solid glass with sunlight shining through. However, this sunlight was not the same kind of sunlight that there was at Farmer Forester‘s farm. This sunlight was somehow duller and not full of life. This made El Squapo sad and depressed all over again.
Suddenly, there was a jolt from underneath! He and the other sleeping kumquats jolted upright. They started to move again, this time on a conveyer belt that was heading toward a distant light. The light was half blocked off by what looked to be another truck with other boxes similar to the one he was in.
All around him these boxes seemed to be doing the same thing and El Squapo wondered where they were going. All this fruit: kiwis, mangos and apples. He even recognized a fiddlehead from Farmer Forester’s farm. He said hello, but the party-pooper of a fiddlehead did not reply.
Soon he was in the truck and although you may think he was now somehow safer in this great metal giant contraption (from a kumquat’s perspective), this was not so. For you see, he was in a box that was now being covered by plastic wrap by unknown hands. This was being done in an odd building with a bunch of conveyer belts. The building was in a place he’d never seen before. And, to top it all off, he missed his friend Rodrigo.
But unfortunately, El Squapo closed his eyes and go to sleep.
The next few days were as normal as normal could be under the circumstances. On the second day of their journey, they came to a sudden halt. But for what reason only time would tell. Soon the back of the truck door was opened and El Squapo squirmed around in his box to get a better look at things.
What met his eyes was almost too terrifying and too horrific on a nightmarish scale to believe! The Great God of Fruit, Bananaza, must surely be looking down upon him in mockery as if to say, “huh! You sure had that coming!” What El Squalor read on the sign above the automatic door were the only human words that he had ever been taught to read and more importantly to avoid!
Then, he fainted.
When he woke up, he was still outside. He figured that he must have only been out for a few seconds but one of the girl kumquats giggled at him. El Squapo didn’t pay her any mind because he knew that they had absolutely nothing to be laughing about.
And, in what seemed to be no time at all, El Squapo and his fellow fruits were being handed not just over to the supermarket, but, also to certain doom.
Shipping, washing, drying and shelving. This was the procedure that El Squapo had to go through but besides that, life in the supermarket wasn’t quite as bad as his friend Teacup back on the farm had said it would be.
Some of the people who walked by actually picked him up and squeezed him! In fact on each of these occasions, El Squapo practically had a heart attack, if that was possible for a fruit. There was, however, one other incident that was perhaps the most dangerous and deadly of all the situations our hero has so far faced.
I believe it happened something like this: It was around the tenth day in the supermarket when a boy as big as Mount Everest walked in the door. But he did not stop there. Oh no, he walked right up to the kumquat bin and let one rip so loud that the cashier manning the till looked over and shook his head in disbelief and not a little disgust. He didn‘t think it was humanly possibly to fart that loudly.
So yes, besides these very few incidents, everything was fine. Fine that is, until the eleventh day…
This time El Squapo didn’t just get picked up, squeezed and put back down. No, this time he was put in a bag!
“Oh no!” thought El Squapo and he immediately started to hyperventilate. The thought turned into a scream, “No! No! No! He tried to calm himself. Then, suddenly, he saw a light. They were going outside. Surely this meant freedom? But no, he and his bag were placed in yet another truck or something that was slightly smaller that a truck. Whatever it was, El Squapo was really beginning to hate them.
As it turns out, the noisy (and smelly) Elephant boy from the supermarket was also the son of the lady who had put him into the bag and brought him home! From El Squapo’s point of view, this was hard to believe.
It was dull in the boy’s house and there was nothing much to do. Maybe that was just because he didn’t know what to do. Regardless, whatever this place was, he didn’t like it one bit.
Things were terrible but it got a lot worse on the third day. That was when the footsteps came.
The footsteps. Great pounding footsteps that reverberated through the whole house and up into El Squapo’s small, round body.
El Squapo looked up and there before his eyes stood Elephant boy, or Jumbo as his mother fondly called him.
Jumbo looked down at El Squapo and reached out a huge, beefy hand with chunky, sausage-like fingers that he used to grab him! El Squapo let out a shriek! His screams fell on deaf ears! His stem tingled to a point where it made his head want to split open. But that would happen soon enough! Jumbo opened his mouth wide and his big, yellow teeth came down on him hard!
The room started spinning around El Squapo and everything was blurred and dark just like that day on the farm. Surely this is it. He felt like he was falling again and that was when Jumbo took another bite.
And all El Squapo knew was the inside of elephant-boy’s stomach
Article posted October 16, 2008 at 04:48 PM •
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